How to Stop the Cycle of Self-Sabotage After a Setback
We’ve all been there. You start the week with the best intentions - maybe you’ve promised yourself you’ll meditate for ten minutes every morning, or you’ve committed to a new routine. Then, life happens. You miss a day, or you have a bit of a wobble, and suddenly that "all-or-nothing" brain kicks in. Before you know it, you're telling yourself "I’ve ruined it now, I might as well give up."
It can be a frustrating cycle. It’s like getting a flat tyre and then deciding to slash the other three because "the car is broken anyway".
A setback isn’t a sign to stop; it’s just shows that you’re human. Self-sabotage is often just a misguided survival mechanism - our brain’s way of trying to avoid the discomfort of trying something new.
Here is how we can break that cycle and get back on track with kindness:
Spot the "Should" Spiral
Pay attention to the sentences that start with:
“I should have…”
“I shouldn’t feel…”
“I must…”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Should” language is sneaky. It sounds like motivation, but it usually fuels shame, and shame is one of the fastest routes to sabotage. Try swapping it for something that gives you your power back:
“I am choosing to…”
“The next thing I’m choosing is…”
“I can take one small step.”
This isn’t about pretending you’re fine. It’s about getting out of the punishment loop.
The "Next Best Decision" Rule
When you’ve slipped up, your brain will want to fix everything at once. But that’s overwhelm disguised as productivity. Instead, ask one simple question:
“What’s my next best decision?”
Not the perfect decision. Not the life-changing decision. Just the next best one. If you missed your morning routine, your next best decision might be:
drinking a glass of water
taking one slow breath
stepping outside for 30 seconds
doing a one-minute reset before you open your phone
Tiny steps break the “ruined it” spell.
Identify your Triggers
Self-sabotage often shows up when your nervous system is already stretched.
A quick way to check in is the HALT acronym:
Hungry
Angry (or anxious)
Lonely
Tired
When you feel the urge to quit, don’t immediately analyse your personality. Check your body first.
Sometimes the solution isn’t “try harder”. Sometimes it’s eat, rest, connect, or slow down.
Lower the Bar
If you’re struggling to stay consistent, it might not be a willpower issue. It might be that the goal is too big for your current capacity.
Make it so small you can do it on your worst day.
Because:
one minute every day beats twenty minutes once a month
“something” keeps the habit alive
consistency builds trust with yourself
Small is not pointless. Small is sustainable.
Practice Self-Acceptance
This is the part your perfectionist brain hates, but your nervous system needs. Try saying:
“I had a setback, and that’s okay.”
“This is hard today, and I can still take one small step.”
Self-acceptance doesn’t mean you love what happened. It means you stop adding extra suffering on top of it. That guilt “hangover” is what usually fuels the next round of sabotage, so we remove it at the source.
Write a Letter to your "Future Self."
When you’re in a steady headspace, write a short message to the version of you who wants to quit. Keep it simple and kind. For example:
“One bad day doesn’t erase everything you’ve done.”
“You don’t need motivation — you need gentleness.”
“Do the smallest version and come back to it tomorrow.”
“This is the moment you usually give up. Let’s do it differently.”
Put it in your Notes app. Save it as your phone wallpaper. Leave it where you’ll actually see it.
Borrow your own wisdom when you’re wobbly.
Focus on Curiosity, not Judgement
Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?”, try asking:
“What was I feeling right before I gave up?”
“What did I need in that moment?”
“What felt too much?”
When you move from critic to investigator, everything shifts.
Summary
There is no perfect mental well-being journey. There’s just a real one.
The goal isn’t to never fall off the wagon. The goal is to get really good at climbing back on, without being too hard on yourself.
You don’t need a dramatic restart. You need one kind decision, made again and again.
